Ever since the latter years of high school, I have dealt with bouts of anxiety and depression. It's usually one or the other, though there have been periods when I've been profoundly mired in both. I'm not often depressed any more, though I find myself increasingly experiencing a high and consistent level of anxiety.
My major problems with the physical symptoms of anxiety started when I went to Tokyo: I would get daily stress head and back aches, my resting heart rate was well above seventy and as high as 120bpm, and I sweated profusely whether or not I wore anti-perspirant. I struggled with these issues in Japan. At first they were overwhelming and distressing, and then I learned to cope with them but they never entirely went away. When I came back to the states, I dealt only with passing anxiety attacks and regular (but not really compromising) sleep problems. For the most part, I was fine.
I've never been treated for either problem, outside of some on-and-off visits with really ineffective psychologists. Apparently, I'm just too good at analyzing myself and not good enough at feeling better. Ironically, I've catalogued every trigger and tried every trick but the fact that I constantly think about things like this just seems to compound the issue. I have, on many accasions, acknowledged that I probably need more serious help. I have, on many occasions, entertained taking medication. But I have never sought real external assistance.
( Continue Reading...)
On Tuesday, I felt anxious all day... for no good reason, but I did. I was aware that my pulse rate was high and that I was sweating-- and though nothing seemed effective at changing that, I thought I had it under control. When I came home, after a flurry of activity, I made an effort to sit down and relax before making dinner. I was doing OK until Justin got a little snappy with me, and then I snapped.
Suddenly I was critically anxious and seriously depressed. I couldn't speak or function for the rest of the evening. I was too upset to even cry. Thankfully I was in a lucid enough funk that I managed to at least classify many of the things that were upsetting me. It relieved me at least to realize that I was fretting about big issues-- compromising life goals, ideals about quality of living, personal standards, et cetera, and not simply feeling pissy because I was tired or hungry, as is wont to happen. On the other hand, it doesn't mean that fixing these problems will be easy. In fact, I will have to force myself to settle for less on some things as I work toward other goals, and that means learning to curb whatever anxiety arises as part of that compromise in the meanwhile.
It was enough to motivate me to make an appointment, finally, to talk to a professional about it.
I was still shaken Thursday morning even after attempting to talk through my issues with Justin. As usual, I felt guilty for sharing because some of the issues involved him. But, I progressed enough to decide to start making a list of things that are important to me and another list of concerns or problem areas. So I'm going to turn to my blog as an outlet again, because I've found that in the past writing here has helped me move through issues like this. And with that in mind, from now on, I may make posts that are lists of things in this vein as they come to me, even if they are only one or two items... starting with this first batch of goals I thought about this Thursday:
Kat's Important Qualities of Life*:
-Involvement in Community
-Close personal friends
-A spiritual connection with the world
-Self identity (as derived from above connections)
-A sense of daily accomplishment
-Pride in daily accomplishments
-Humanitarianism
-Activism [gender, personal, political]
-Helping others discover their vision/voice
-Adventure
-A unique life path/quality of life
-Purpose
-Sharing these goals with my partner
*that are, yes, at the moment, lacking.
Rather than *focusing* on these qualities as something I lack (though that is, really, the problem), I will try to use them as baselines to form goals for my future choices... and move forward to a less dissatisfied, less anxious existence.
[Update:]
My health insurance went into effect last Wednesday and I have an appointment on the 8th (this Weds) to get a physical, have blood tests, and speak with a PA about getting treatments for anxiety, whether this means medication, speaking with a psychologist or (hopefully) both. I realize that the problem is mostly mental but because I've "dealt" with it untreated for so long, there is a huge, almost habitual physical aspect to it that I may need medical assistance to break. (Given my family history, I would be unsurprised if this problem is genetic AND learned, though.) I expect to have much needed professional contact in the neaer future, and possibly a referral for some theraputic massage. Insurance covers it and there are several preferred providers *in* the building where I work.
And to the person who left me the suggestion about meditation: thank you. I fully appreciate the ideas behind the article. I try to meditate through my workouts, as for the most part that's all the time I have to dedicate to recreation. I wish I could meditate at home, but it's not really a conducive environment. Most of the time I'm not alone, and Justin isn't really into that sort of thing... so it makes it difficult for me to relax and/or concentrate when other activity is going on in the background. A big part of my problem is that while I understand that this is a personal journey, I often don't feel I have the understanding and involvement of my partner because his personality and goals are so different from mine.
Posted on March 03, 2006 @ 6:31 PM | 12 comments
Comments:
Before you fix anything else, help a blog reader, for chrissake!! your blog is SO hard to read. harsh white background, teeeeeeeeeeeeny tiny type, and when you open the comment box it's not delineated very well at all. another jumble of teeny type on white background. check out that katie chick's blog, the one married to dave or whatev. love your blog, hate reading it.
By 
, at
6:58 PM, March 05, 2006
Your blog is very interesting. Normally i wouldnt post on blog nor would i read one, but karma bought me to your site. I really wanted to lend a kind heart to help abit with your anxiety. you seem like an intelligent young lady so hopefully this article wont go in one ear and out the other.
i think alot of people anxieties comes from a deep rooted fear of something...from things like what people think of us to what going to happen next. it is often when we ask too many questions which causes confusion in your mind. life is a funny old thing really it doesnt have to be that hard, its really what ever we chose to make it...it is our mind that flavours the very experiences we have so its important to cultivate postive emotions("mind") like patience, compassion, generosity to replace negative emotions like anger, jealously, pride etc..
When you learn techniques that can quieten the mind you my find life flows alot easier and your not always digging your heals in to prevent change but allow change to provide positive enrichment to your life.
ps...i hope you enjoy the article on my website
By , at
7:29 PM, March 05, 2006
Thanks anon, I'll check it out. :)
As for the blog design, I think the issue may be with your browser font size. You can increase it, typically in the "view" menu. (Probably something else if you're using IE). Font size ought to be legible and easy to read, if it's not it's probably a CSS issue. Haven't had any complaints before. Design is subjective-- you can never make everyone happy!
That being said, I'm hoping to have a more tabular CSS design sometime in the next few months. But it's not something I'll be putting any energy into.
By 
Kat, at
9:12 PM, March 05, 2006
In case you're curious about medications for anxiety, I've taken 2 different kinds. One was a pill I took only at moments of overwhelming anxiety and/or at times when I had trouble falling asleep. I found it helpful in reducing bodily symptoms of anxiety (breathlessness, high heart rate, trembling) and good for times I needed to concentrate (i.e before a big test, presentation) or for relaxation before bed. After a 2 month break, I switched from that one to a daily pill for general anxiety which seems to help a lot. I still get anxious because the same stressful circumstances are still there, but once again the symptoms of anxiety are not as strong or as ever present. I feel like it lets me deal with things more rationally because I'm not physically freaking out. I know opting for medication is sort of a tough choice to make. I'm not sure I want to stay on drugs forever or anything either. But I feel in the short run it makes progress a little easier. Maybe you should give it a try, or at least ask your doctor? We seem to have similar issues, and it's been helping me a lot.
In the meantime though (or if you opt to keep trying to deal yourself), keep it up with being positive about future goals and don't become too overwhelmed by the big issues that take time to change. Good luck, Kat. Love you much.
By Titania, at
10:54 PM, March 05, 2006
And sorry that was heinously long.
By Titania, at
10:54 PM, March 05, 2006
whateva: rather than give you the how-dare-you-write-a-flame-in-a-very-personal post reaction that you want, I will remind you that the person who writes this blog has feelings, just as you do, although you create an online persona to cover them up so as to not confront the issues of your own. and btw do keep in mind that your IP address is in the hands of those who can make sure you are never able to access this blog again, should you keep your inappropriate comments flowing.
Numine: the anon post above has a lot of truth to it, ideas that we all know but sometimes have a difficult time applying to real life. I love you and you are awesome, I love the reaffirmation of Kat! You have our support and can anything you want with us anytime and we will listen.
By Rachel, at
7:04 AM, March 06, 2006
KAT.
An ex of mine struggled with anxiety troubles. A very intelligent individual, he would become crippled with fear on a near daily basis, sweating and shaking in a fetal position on his bed, the floor, or in the car. A combination of vitamin supplements and an antianxiety med helped him a bit in the end (in addition to a not-quite legal but readily available in the northwest plant, of course - no worries then). Anyway... hopefully your appointments will solve some issues and get you the treatment (med or non-med) that you need and deserve.
whateva - the problem is with your browser, not her blog. (And if it were with her blog, that would be the LAST thing she should worry about fixing.) This is the easiest format I've seen to read. It is white with 12 pt sans serif black font. Perfect. The comments have the same format. Don't dump your own problems on others.
By Adrienne, at
3:04 PM, March 06, 2006
Thanks Liz, Rachel, and Adrienne. I really appreciate your support. I'll be asking the doctor about meds that aren't necessarily seratonin reuptake inhibitors, but those that may just serve to lower heartrate, etc. I do take vitamins for the purpose of curbing anxiety and seasonal depression (daily dose: 1000mg fish oil w/D, Calcium citrate w/ D, 1000mg vitamin C, occasional iron, and a B-vitamin multi complex). I haven't smoked pot in a while, but it does worry me because a) it's a downer and b) I tend to be quite non-functional when stoned, though that's probably my own fault for smoking too much.
I'm going to try to make some changes, which hopefully involve some meditation time, massage, someone "objective" to talk to, and perhaps some meds. Will keep the blog posted.
By Kat, at
3:10 PM, March 06, 2006
The pot, it's definitely a couch-potato maker!
It worked best for my ex when he just had ONE hit, before doing something stressful like going to a store, etc. Tiny, relaxing buzz.
Of course he could never just have ONE hit. Obviously, you have better options!
By Lazy Lightning, at
2:51 PM, March 07, 2006
Kat,
It's great that you can open up in public like this... I appreciate reading it - makes me a feel a little better about my own anxiety issues.
Thanks,
Elliott
By Elliott, at
1:23 PM, March 08, 2006
Thank you for the supportive comment, Elliott. It means a lot. :)
By Kat, at
3:31 PM, March 08, 2006
Sorry in advance if this comment is a bit tardy.
I always feel that anxiety is caused by the stress of caring without control. You seem like the warm and fuzzy sort of person who would like to fix and mend every ill that she could.
So the first step is to have a News-media free week. This is the Bob Dobbs Philosophy of Media Ecology. The news is always bad, they never show anything good; it will get you down. See how much happier you are after only 1 week free of The News. If you can't give up completely straight away - at least switch to The Onion.
Secondly you need to practise 'not caring'. Try it on small things at first - it's a real artform - and also the fastest way to beat stress. During your day keep tabs on what you are doing. When you notice a chance to abandon, leave or not care about something - do it. Like any training it takes time but you'll feel the rewards after a few short days.
Graham
By Graham, at
4:50 AM, March 31, 2006
